It’s that time of the year again. The leaves are changing, the kids have gone back to school and
the scent of pumpkin spice hangs heavy in the air. Fall generally feels like a new beginning for
most people. It’s probably because we were all so conditioned, growing up, to see the new
school year as the marker of starting out again. Sure, January marks the official beginning of the
year, but I think many people use the start of fall to assess how they are doing and to consider
the possibility of improvement in their lives. As we clock the changing of the seasons, we
consider making changes in our own lives, whether small or significant.
Change is Hard
Change is a topic that permeates almost every session when I meet with clients. Amongst the
infinite number of life revisions that one considers, I commonly hear about changes of
jobs, relationships, environments, and, more often than you might think, identity. We don’t take
these issues lightly. After all, we are creatures of habit and find comfort in familiarity. Often,
when we know that we should probably make a change, we decide otherwise because we like
what we know. Personally, I have spent time agonizing over throwing out a well-loved t-shirt,
despite the sheerness and stains. The comfort that is provided by its familiarity far outweighs its
function. We generally feel that way about most aspects of our lives.
However, sometimes we make certain changes not necessarily because they are positive, but
because it means fleeing something that is negative. Think of situations in your life that have
become intolerable – if not unhealthy. Examples include abusive bosses, toxic relationships,
dangerous environments, and situations that simply don’t feel right to you. We like to think that
we enact change for greener pastures, but often it’s to escape bad situations. Sometimes we
have been engaging with them for years. Often people find themselves knowing they should
change but opting to stay in a destructive situation for fear of making the change. But why?
Built-in Fear
Change is scary for a multitude of reasons. First off, it challenges us to face the unknown. Think
about it. If you knew what was behind the door in a scary movie, you wouldn’t be scared at all.
People have a negativity bias to things that are unknown or unfamiliar, and this is probably a
positive function. I think about it as a primal driver that protects us from danger. I can picture
prehistoric people leaving the cave and risking getting eaten by any number of predators. I
imagine that after seeing that happen a couple of times, you start to think: “Hmm, maybe I
should worry about that.” But fast forward to today and instead of fretting over that sabretooth
tiger eating your brother, you are now worried about what will happen if you quit the job that you
hate. It’s not necessarily a life-or-death decision you are pondering, but it feels very unsafe, and
taps into the same part of your brain that creates worry.
I am basically defining anxiety. I think of anxiety as a basic question: “What would happen if…?”
and, as already stated, we tend to think the outcome of change will be negative. Perhaps you
think that if you leave your job with the awful, micromanaging boss, you will never find another
job, or the next one will be worse. This leads to your decision to stay in a position that you are
deeply unhappy with. This simple thought pattern is among the chief reasons why people don’t
make a change. The idea that the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t leads people
to endure bad situations. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Looking inward
I often engage clients to make a list of pros and cons of staying in a situation that they have
spoken about changing. It is often very helpful in illustrating the reasons why someone chooses
to remain rather than change. Often the reasons are emotional rather than logical, and yet we
are inclined to use logic to explain our emotional choices. “If I leave this unhappy relationship, I
will be lonely and sad. People will be disappointed in me and I will be seen as disloyal. I know it
doesn’t feel perfect to me, but what relationship does? I should probably stay.” We truly are
experts at rationalizing unhealthy choices to avoid making healthy changes. I encourage clients
to challenge these thoughts and look at taking small, gradual steps to test out what the change
will truly look like.
Making change is a process, and processes take time. I find that through discussion about
realistic outcomes and engaging support systems, change can be seen as a positive thing, with
a world of potential at your doorstep.
Being in the right headspace
Stress is a negative motivator. Oftentimes when we are considering making a change, it feels so
intimidating and stressful, we would rather not do it. We tend to live in our heads and may
convince ourselves that making the effort is too much. The problem is that, most often, avoiding
a change is also choosing to live with the stress of your situation. Living with stress is
cumulative and destructive. It also leads us to feel overwhelmed, which further exacerbates our
unhappiness. When discussing strategies of change with people, I also try and encourage steps
to reduce stress in their lives. This is usually a multi-pronged approach.
Self-care is not selfish
Reducing the stress in your life is, in fact, key to making healthy decisions about change. When
we experience too much stress, we often cannot think clearly. We need to utilize interventions to
ground ourselves.
Calming the mind takes intention. There are many interventions that assist with this and
perhaps you already know what works for you. I find that many people don’t. I am forever
engaging people with discussion about exercise and activities, healthy eating, caring for their
body and supportive counseling. You may think that these things are obvious and
commonsensical, but it’s surprising how few people prioritize their mental health. The old
saying, “ a healthy body is a healthy mind,” is accurate. Reducing the stress in your life will be
crucial not just to make change but to embrace it and accept whatever it may bring.
Time to challenge yourself
Try to challenge yourself to understand what your body needs in order to feel less stress. There
are many options. The clinicians at Urban Wellness can work with you to provide acupuncture
and other interventions proven to reduce stress. Speaking with a psychotherapist will help you
gain a deeper understanding of your issues and support you to formulate a plan for change.
Calming techniques such as breath work and meditation are also important, and it will benefit
you to integrate them into a routine.
At the end of the day, we all want to feel happy and fulfilled. Often, a change will get us there.
Go ahead, drink from the cup of life. It may taste like pumpkin spice… or better!
If you’d like to book a treatment with Jordan or learn more about his psychotherapy practise, Click Here